(this one's gonna be long, kids; grab a snack. For those of you who are thrown off by something on this site that may actually prove to be of use to someone, I can only offer that I will not do it very often)
GENERAL DOs and DON’Ts
1. DO take inventory of all your luggage before leaving your
house, so that your LARGEST RED IMPOSSIBLE TO MISS suitcase is not left behind, so that you do not get all
the way to the airport and then have to turn around and go home to get said
suitcase, thus tripling your cab fare to $100 total.
2. DO borrow a booster seat from your friend for the cab
ride. DO NOT, however, expect to be able to use it on the plane. Carseats are
approved by the FAA, but boosters are not.The FAA hates people over the age of 2. Fuck you, preschooler, says the FAA. I hope you choke on a peanut while craning your neck to see out.
3. DO get a cabbie who drives fast enough to get you back to
the airport in time.Ours was a Palestinian Steve McQueen, seriously, the guy should be a stunt driver in da movies.
4. DO marry someone who is smart enough to bring, on the
second trip, a garbage bag and some wet wipes for the Inevitable Preschooler Puking
Incident that will, occur from too much time spent in a herky-jerky cab. (Thank
you Aquaman)
5. DO fly Delta so that if you do happen to arrive only 27
minutes before takeoff, they are nice enough to let you check your luggage and
get on the plane. Also, DO exploit the
fact that YOUR THREE YEAR OLD WILL MISS HIS FIRST TRIP TO DISNEYWORLD in order
to beg your way ahead in line and into the military and airline employee
security line.
6. DO NOT get your hopes up that, when your connecting
flight is canceled, the now-three-hour layover will mean that you will get Chick-Fil-A in the Atlanta airport,
because of course you idiot you are there on SUNDAY.
7. DO exploit OH NO THIS IS MY PRESCHOOLER’S FIRST TRIP TO DISNEY to beg your
way higher up on the standby list for the replacement flight.
8. DO NOT freak out that your spouse always decides to spend
his time at airports loudly brainstorming ways to improve current TSA
procedures, loudly employing the terms “BOMB” and “TERRORIST” within earshot of
numerous TSA employees.
9. DO bring Afrin nose spray, antibiotics, Mucinex D, neti
pot, Kleenexes, and SHEER WILL to counter waning sinus infection before flight,
so that your head does not explode during takeoff (TSA frowns upon exploding
sinuses these days almost as much as exploding underwear). If your sister can have a full bowel resection
and still make this trip, you will not I REPEAT WILL NOT be deterred by a sinus
infection.
10. DO NOT expect to go on the Log Flume when it is 30
degrees in Florida. Doing so may result in the Log Flu. I hear it’s nasty.You shit splinters.
11. DO pack your coat. DO NOT think, “Oh, I’m a Chicagoan, I
won’t need a hat/gloves, because I am hard core about the coldness.” DO realize
that in Chicago, 30 degrees feels warm only by comparison, and because it is not, as in Florida, a DAMP
cold. Also, in Chicago, you are rarely on a rollercoaster generating your own
wind chill.
12. DO NOT think too hard about the fact that Mickey Mouse
and Michael Jackson look and act and sound an awful lot alike (white face, odd nose, strangely asexual, white gloves...eh? eh?)
13. DO NOT be disturbed when your mother says, “Ohhh, I love
Peter Pan’s Flight! I did it on Darvoset once!” Even though your mother doesn't even drink because half a glass of champagne on New Year's Even has been known to make her melt onto the passenger door of the car, laughing and crying at the same time. DO worry that this is what will happen on Peter Pan's Flight.
14. DO use the complimentary “Mickey’s Magical Express”
service that lets you check your bags at your home airport and not see them
again until your hotel room.
15. DO NOT assume that they will end up in your hotel room
any time soon. They disappear for about 6 hours after landing. It’s alllll part of
the magic, folks. Still, better than lugging them around.
16. DO NOT rent the strollers in the park. If you think you
will need a stroller, bring your own cheapie fold-up one. The strollers in the
park are $15 a day to rent and they are SUPER uncomfortable. My kid could not
sit in the thing, and he’s 3. It was hard plastic (all the better to hose off,
I guess) and the opposite of ergonomically designed. He ended up actually upside down trying to curl up for a nap. Either bring your own
stroller or be sure that someone in your party is ok with carrying the 3 year
old around on their shoulders a LOT.

17. DO bring an iPod to wear when you ride “It’s A Small
World” for the second through tenth times. This way, you do not amuse yourself
by changing the lyrics:
You can use a gun, you can use
some pills,
You can use a knife, just as long
as it kills,
Why did I come along?
I hate this fucking song,
It’s a small world, kill me now.
There is no line for It’s A Small World, so you ride it a
lot while you are waiting for your FastPass entry time on the more popular rides.
So, you know, if you don’t want your
ears to start bleeding, I recommend either an iPod, or, like, Meth.
18. DO familiarize yourself with the FastPass process. It
saves you a lot of heartache, as preschoolers are not that great at standing in
lines.
19. DO get there when the park opens in the morning, at
least for Magic Kingdom. They do a whole show, the train arrives with Mickey
and pals aboard, they sing, they dance, they throw pixie dust, and then they
open the gates with fanfare. It’s very special and the kids luh-HUV it.
20. DO get there early and then head straight to the BACK of
the park you are doing that day. For Animal Kingdom, head straight for the
safari ride. For Magic Kingdom with a preschooler, head to Pirates of the
Caribbean, Thunder Mountain Railroad, or Peter Pan’s Flight. For Epcot, do Soarin' or the TestTrack. Ride one, get a
FastPass for another. Work your way toward the exit. Crowds will be much easier
to handle this way.
21. DO, at least one day, eat lunch at Gepetto’s Restaurant,
next to the It’s A Small World ride. Along one wall there are tables that have
windows that look down into the beginning of the ride, and it’s very cool for
the kids to wave down at the people on the boats while you’re eating.
22. DO prepare your kid for rides that may scare him/her.
For instance, with my family’s love of Halloween and the like, my sister Margot
had reserved a ride with Frog on the Haunted Mansion ride. We took him on
first, giving him some coping skills, telling him if something jumped out at
him he could “RAWR” back at it with his dinosaur claws up. He loved this and
spent the whole ride rawring. As soon as we came out, he went in with his aunt
and uncle, who would not have been able to help much if he had flipped out from
fear. Apparently they got stuck in the part of the ride where a spook pops out
of a barrel, so it popped out repeatedly in front of them, and Frog spent ten
minutes going, “RAWR! (pause) RAWR! (pause) RAWR!” Good times.
23. DO NOT be alarmed when you hear “cast members” (all
employees are referred to this way) welcome a new cast member and tell others “he’s
with the mouse now.” Yes, it’s a cult. Just know that going in and it won’t
bother you.You will be much happier if you just get it over with and drink the Kool-Aid on Day One.
24. DO stay on property if you can. We stayed at the
Wilderness Lodge, in a 2BR villa (note: villas do not offer late checkout, you
must be out by 11am, so if you want a late checkout to facilitate naptime, get
a regular room). The lobby of the Wilderness Lodge is awesome. Oh, and it’s
lovely when everything is decorated for Christmas. If you’re not Christian, go
after they take down the holiday decorations and stop playing holiday music
(January 10th).Wilderness Lodge is cool because it looks like it's constructed entirely out of Lincoln Logs.
25. DO pick at least one day to do WHATEVER your kid wants
to do. We did this our second day. It really, really makes them happy, and
gives them a sense of control that somehow helps you with the rest of the week
when you drag them all over the place trying to make everyone happy. While the
rest of our group did Epcot countries on Day 2, we knew Frog would not be
interested in the cultural immersion portion of that (he doesn’t even get what
a country IS), so we let him pick the day’s itinerary. We did Small World
seriously like 5 times in a row, Peter Pan’s flight 3 times, Dumbo, then
Tomorrow land to do racecars, rockets, Buzz Lightyear, and the tour train, then
we did a park tour on the old-timey railroad, then played in the playground in
ToonTown. We had snacks and potty breaks
when HE wanted to. It was pretty much the best damn day of his entire life. The
next day we went back to setting the itinerary, but he didn’t complain because
he’d gotten his fill of calling the shots the day before.
FOOD:
Overall, the kids’ food sucks, which was a big surprise to
me. I mean, it’s about kids, right?
But all parks serve the same stuff for kids: microwave (weirdly coagulant) mac
n cheese, cheese pizza, hot dog, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The
first day we ordered the peanut butter and jelly. It was a Smuckers pre-made
one individually wrapped, with individually wrapped baby carrots pack, an
individually wrapped pack of grapes, and a milk carton. There was nothing fresh. Good that there were sides that weren’t
fries, so kudos for that, but wow. If your kid will eat grown-up food, you may
want to occasionally go that route and just have him/her share off of your
plate. Come to think of it, most of the adult food is not much better: meatball
sandwich, fish planks, chicken nuggets, pizza, etc. If you have a fridge in
your room, I recommend getting some groceries. Save your money for eating out
at night. There is no restriction on bringing sandwiches or whatever into the
park. Oh and there are water fountains everywhere, so you can bring a water
bottle to refill. The only problem with that plan—which I followed on Day 1 but
then abandoned—was that the water in your room and in the parks tastes like
Florida water. As in, slightly fishy or sandy or something. It’s just...off,
somehow. So we ended up buying a case of bottled water and keeping it in the
fridge, and each morning I’d tote one in my purse into the park.
KNICKKNACKS:
I highly recommend telling your kid up front what the plan
is for gift shop buying. I saw a lot of little kids begging for purchases. Mine
was all about the rides, thank God and was super bored the one time we went in
a shop, BUT we also told him at the beginning that we would buy him three
things. One toy at the beginning that he could buy with his own money, one
balloon, and one thing at the end. He
had $12 of his own money saved up (presents from grandparents, chore money,
etc). He bought a small die cast monorail that he took EVERYWHERE and put on anything
straight as a monorail track. Great purchase.
The balloon we got on the way OUT
of the park on the 2nd day (for what it’s worth, you can let the air
out to pack it, and then have it reinflated at your grocery store for like $1.
Which is good because the balloons are TEN BUCKS.).
The last gift was a stuffed
Mickey Mouse that his grandmother got him. This does not include, however, the
AUTOGRAPH BOOK that you can buy anywhere in the park. Have this handy with a
pen, as the characters show up unexpectedly. If you get there at opening, you
can get a bunch of autographs before there’s much of a line. Frog warmed up to
the idea of autographs on Day 3 and became something of a stalkerazzi at that
point. We were begging him to go on a ride but he was determined to get Pluto,
Daisy Duck, and then “Chimp and Dale” as he calls them, all in a row. By the way, only try to get autographs when the characters are set up for such. If they are walking around or dancing at a street party, they strangely do not have on the right "hands" for holding a pen. I plan to use this at work: Sorry, I don't have on my policy-writing hands today, oh well. (Another
bonus to getting there early is that you can ride the horse-drawn trolley that
goes up and down main street). Oh, and he also got an owl from his great-aunt (it was her Christmas present to him), and then his grandmother bought him a tiny mouse-ears hat to go on the owl. So, so cute, the tiny mouse-ears hat.
NAPS:
We did naps all but one day. I took the nap, too—I needed
it. Oh and, we don’t co-sleep at home but I have to say, I had a really nice
time co-sleeping with my kid on vacation. He is sooo warm and cuddly. The day
we skipped the nap did not go well starting around 6pm, and we had to bail on
our dinner reservations that night (the rest of the family went, we had a party
of ten). He didn’t flip out, we just could see he was not going to hold it
together for an 8pm dinner reservation. Motivate your child to take naps by saying he
can stay up to watch the FIREWORKS only if a nap occurs. You have to do the
fireworks at least once. The castle is all lit up and it’s soooo pretty. Frog
was on my hip watching the fireworks and whispered in my ear, “Oh, Mommy, they
turn into starrrs.” Totally worth the price of admission.
DINNER OUT:
There are some cool restaurants to try out. Make your
reservations the second you arrive in your hotel room the first night, things
fill up fast. I recommend the Japanese
Restaurant at Epcot’s Japan (they cook in front of you at the table), the Kona Café
at the Polynesian Resort, the Whispering Canyon restaurant at the Wilderness
Lodge (only for lunch or dinner, though—breakfast there is not good at all. It’s
a themed restaurant with obnoxious waiters who tease you, enormous drinks,
all-you-can-eat milkshakes (yes really), and occasional stick-pony races around
the restaurant for the kiddies. Oh, and be sure to ask for ketchup). Also, there is a restaurant at Hollywood
Studios where you sit IN a car and watch old b movies like you’re in a drive-in.
I forget the name. Very cool though, reminds me of Pulp Fiction’s Jack Rabbit
Slims. DO NOT eat at the NBC Commissary at Hollywood Studios. We ended up
somehow with no other choice, stood in a massive line for an HOUR and got
mediocre, lukewarm crap. Inexplicably, they “theme” their meals. There are only
eight things on the menu:
“LOST” fried fish (ok, this makes sense, an island, gotcha)
“UGLY BETTY” Cheeseburger (um…eat it and you get fat and zitty?)
“GREY’S ANATOMY” Chicken Curry (um…I’m getting confused now…)
“EXTREME MAKEOVER HOME EDITION” Asian Salad (W.T.F., are you SERIOUS?)
There are two desserts,
“Desperate Housewives Chocolate Mousse” and “All My Children Strawberry
Shortcake.”
I am at a loss here, people.
Just…take my advice, and make reservations for dinner. This
will also keep you from enduring, after an hour in line, the person in front of
you asking to SEE THE RECIPES for everything on the menu because someone in her
party has egg and milk allergies. I’m sorry, but you had an hour of
line-standing to ask that question. He manager went and got “THE BOOK” and
brought it up and they spent seriously I am not kidding 20 minutes going over
the recipes and devising work-arounds. If you have any allergies, MAKE
RESERVATIONS FOR DINNER. The chefs will COME OUT TO YOUR TABLE and make you
something SPECIAL. Do not go to a place called a COMMISSARY and hold up the
line asking how GREY’S ANATOMY CHICKEN CURRY CAN BE MADE EGG FREE. DO NOT ORDER
THE EXTREME MAKEOVER CHICKEN SALAD WITHOUT THE SESAME SEEDS, THE DRESSING, or
the SOY. “ ASIAN SALAD, HOLD THE ASIAN” does not make sense.
WHAT TO DO AT EACH
PARK WITH A THREE YEAR OLD:
I did a lot of
research into what was and was not appropriate for our target age group. There
are tons of things to do at each park, but I am listing below only the things
you’ll want to do if you have a three or four year old in tow.
NOTE: AT all parks, there are an awful lot of 3-D rides and movies. If
your kid isn’t into 3D, gets motion sick, or won’t wear the glasses, make sure
to pay attention to those. We fall into the category above, so we did not do
anything 3D.
HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS
Do not go to Hollywood Studios with a preschooler. It is a
waste of your time. Do not go there. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. Close
cover before striking. Not available in all states. We dragged him there one
evening (see Commissary fiasco above) and felt horrible as we wandered around with
nothing for him to do. Finally we took him on the Star Wars ride, a cool flight
simulator, but it was pretty herky-jerky and we were lucky we got out of there
with a reprise of the Inevitable Puking Incident from our cab ride earlier in
the week.
MAGIC KINGDOM
(divided into a couple of areas):
RAILROAD stops at the
front gate, Frontierland, and ToonTown. A full circle of the park takes 20
minutes. It’s a great way to get around quickly when your feet hurt, but if
your kid is like mine, it’s just as thrilling as any of the “real” rides.
HORSE-DRAWN TROLLEY – super cool to ride this. Slow but
cool, one-way trip. Great views of the castle. You hop on right at the main
entrance, in the square.
Adventureland: Swiss Family Treehouse, Jungle Cruise,
Pirates of the Caribbean (now refurbished with animatronic Johnny Depps, nom
nom). A small waterfall drop in the dark could scare some littles. Frontierland:
Big Thunder Mountain Railroad: If your kid is fearless and over 40 inches. Test
him out first on the Barnstormer kiddie coaster in ToonTown to gauge his fear
factor. Mine did this the last day and
clenched his teeth through the whole thing and said he didn’t like it, but 30
minutes later he cited it as his favorite ride. So. Also, Tom Sawyer Island is
AWESOME. You take a raft over and then kids can just explore. There’s a fort
with guns where you can get all conflicted about your kid pretending to be a
sniper, until he tells YOU to try it and you really find that you very much
enjoy pretending to shoot the obnoxious people standing in line for Thunder
Mountain Railroad. Avoid the Country Bear Jamboree, it is somehow both boring
and creepy at the same time. It’s almost exactly like going to Chuck E Cheese. If
that isn’t enough to scare you off, then nothing will.
Liberty Square: The Hall of Presidents now has President
Barack Obama standing among George Washington, John F Kennedy, Thomas
Jefferson, etc. That is so super awesome I just don’t even know what to say.
Barack side by side with Thomas Jefferson, who owned slaves…gulp. Yay America,
you’ve come a long way, baby. Also here is Haunted Mansion (see above for
coping techniques).
Fantasyland: It’s a Small World, natch. Also Peter Pan’s
Flight, Dumbo ride, Cinderella’s Golden Carousel, Pooh’s Playful Spot (I know,
sounds dirty, right? But it’s just a great play area with a treehouse that for
some reason has a sprinkler system. MY house doesn’t have a sprinkler system). AVOID:
The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (sounds innocuous, but it’s the
converted Mr Toad’s Wild Ride and apparently it’s terrifying).
ToonTown Fair: A great place to meet characters and get
autographs. You can tour Minnie’s house and Mickey’s house (they do not live together.
I thought they were married? Huh). Ride
the Barnstormer (kiddie coaster) and there’s a water play area called Donald’s
Boat (was not turned on, see aforementioned 30 degree weather).
Tomorrowland: SPEEDWAY, super popular, make it there early
in the morning. Space Mountain has height restrictions, 44 inches, so we didn’t
do that, but I remember it being very, very cool, if you have an older child. Tomorrowland
Transit Authority is a really child ride that take you on a tour, very boring
but not for a 3 year old, he loved it. Buzz Lightyear’s Space Ranger spin (do
not let your child control the movement of your vehicle, you will have an Inevitable
Puking Incident of your own. Have him stick to shooting the laser gun at the
bad guys). Astro Orbiter is a rocket-go-round, with AWESOME views.
EPCOT:
Spaceship Earth is the ride inside the big ball. It’s chill
and has a great planetarium thing at the end. When you get off, there’s a
driving video game. DO NOT DO Mission Space. You might want to check out Test
Track, but it never had wait times under 150 minutes when we were there so we
never got to it. Ellen’s Energy Adventure is supposed to be funny but it’s 45
minutes so we skipped it, as we are amusement park commitment-phobes. The Seas
with Nemo & Friends is a nice relaxing ride with scenes from Finding
Nemo. At The Land (the place with the awesome
cafeteria with organic food and hydroponically grown produce), you MUST ride Soarin’,
and the very chill “Living with the Land.” If you’re with a preschooler you can
avoid the “World Showcase” entirely. Although, if you do venture over there, check
out right smack dab halfway around the lake (where the ferry landing is) there
is a model train set up with a Swiss town, very cute.
QUICK ANECDOTE: In “Paris,” we walked past a crepe stand,
and overheard the “Cast member” saying “No no, I am sorry, sir, we ‘ave only ze
crepes.” To which the tourist replied, “LOOK, I don’t want a crepp. I want
cotton candy. You know, fluffy pink stuff? COTTONNNN CANNNDYYYY.” More
apologies from cast member. Kind of
crazy that we Americans are assholes even in FAKE FRANCE. “America,” in this instance, was literally 30
feet away, so walk your fat ass over there and get your cotton candy
there.
ANIMAL KINGDOM:
There are two shows here that are GREAT, like, I WOULD PAY FOR THEM
GREAT): Festival of the Lion King,
and Finding Nemo—The Musical. Really
amazing production values; I was shocked. Great talent.
Preschoolers will like Kilimanjaro Safari, Forest Exploration Trail, The Boneyard in
DinoLand, Fossil Fun Games, TriceraTop Spin. There’s a DINOSAUR ride that’s a
bit risky scary-wise, with a height requirement that Frog was a tad too short
for so I can’t comment but my mom says there’s a T-Rex that makes even adults
almost crap their pants. So maybe not.
FINAL TIPS:
- If you are alone with your
kid (no extended family), they will let the whole family stay in line for
a ride, one parent rides while the other stays with the kid(s), and then
gets off and switches out with other parent (i.e. without going to the
back of the line).
- If you stay on property at
any Disney resort, there are “Extra Magic Hours” for the parks that change
each day. Some days Magic Kingdom opens an hour early. Another day Animal
Kingdom stays open an extra THREE HOURS for guests (though be aware that
the safari does not happen after sunset).
- If you have a GIRL, you
may want to book a character breakfast or lunch (Cinderella’s Table, etc).
The girls seemed to be very into this. Also, if your daughter owns a
princess dress (or two) already, BRING IT so she can wear it to the park. Otherwise
she will see ALL THE OTHER GIRLS wearing THEIR princess dresses and she
will feel left out and want you to buy her a dress THERE, which is like
$70. AVOID AT ALL COSTS. Also, there’s this thing where you can go to a “princess
salon” where they slick your daughter’s hair back into a super tight bun,
sprinkle pixie glitter all over her head, put MAKEUP on her, and attach a
tiara with fake sparkly hair. This results in your child looking like a
common street prostitute. AVOID. Also, do not let your child wear her high
heeled glass slippers to the park. Duh, you think, but I saw three girls
hobbling along in pain like bound-footed geishas. AVOID AVOID AVOID.
- You can get your kid a
button that says “First Time!” and she’ll get more attention from cast
members. If it’s a birthday, you can get a button that says that, and then
seriously everyone she passes will say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY SALLY!!” and she
will feel like a celebrity. It’s a bit creepy, actually, after awhile, for
everyone to know your kid’s name, but you know, up to you.
I have to admit, I’ve always sort of rolled my eyes at
the idea of Disney, choosing to be all cool and “above it”--but I have to say, this was
probably the best week of my kid’s entire life. It’s really, really nice, from
his perspective, to be in a place where everyone greets HIM instead of his
parents, you know? No one frowns when you walk into a restaurant with a kid.
Every dinner feels like a special occasion. It’s…nice. It’s a really, really
nice vacation from reality. As we walked out of the Magic Kingdom that last
day, we said “Goodbye, Castle!” and “Goodbye, Main Street!” and my kid got a little
teary-eyed and then I seriously got choked up. He looked at me and said, “Mommy,
I love it here. When we have to go on
an airplane back home I will be so sad to go to my city.”
I felt the same way. The real world—especially one that is gray
and only 3 degrees today—kinda blows when you have literally been spending your
days in Fantasyland.
Frog bidding farewell to the castle, with blanket and Kangaroo in hand for comfort.
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