Sorry I’ve been away, but I’ve been sick. Like, REALLY sick, can’t breathe, throat on fire, superbiotics needed capital S-I-C-K sick. I haven’t really felt like sitting upright for days, much less typing. I’ve been sleeping and reading, sleeping and reading. I’ve had a lot of time to THINK. This is not something I have, much. And it was a nice thing, because right before I got sick, I had sort of a mini-nervous breakdown when my kid half-fell out of his BRAND NEW loft bed that thank God is only half-height (just high enough for a little play area underneath, and it’s not even one I can sit upright in, so hey, not that high), but still, he went to reach something and fell out and I had these lightning reflexes and caught him behind my back, with my right hand twisted up and back, and sort of near-dislocated my rotator cuff in the process, but thank God I caught him, he was seriously UPSIDE DOWN, head was 2 seconds from Floor Impact, and he learned his lesson and I yelled “goddamnit!” for no reason whatsoever except surprise and fear and then I put him to bed and apologized for my bad word and he sucked his thumb and sniffled (it had scared him, too), and then I went in the living room and sort of collapsed in a puddle of tears on the floor, because my arm really hurt and remained a physical manifestation of that nightmare moment and also because, you know, the bed SAYS RIGHT ON IT that it’s for ages 6 and up, but we thought, oh nooooo, our kid is almost 4 and he’s super athletic, he started walking at 8 months, so he’ll be fiiiiiine, so we got him the bed and Oh. Em. Gee, if he falls out and breaks his neck it will be ALL MY FAULT because I am a horrible mother who did not follow the guidelines and gave a not-even-4-year-old a loft bed, and also put him in flammable pajamas and cut the tags off of his pillows which is against federal law and by the way, sometimes I leave the bathroom when he’s in the tub, and IIIIII’MMMMMMM A HORRIBULLLLLLLLL MOTHERRRRRRRR <sob> . Seriously, I was pathetic.
My husband picked me up off the floor and held me for awhile and told me I am not a horrible mother, that there are crack ho’s who raise perfectly respectable children, and ours will be fine, too, despite both our occasional failings. (and the crack). He also said I might want to look into therapy. And, you know, trying to work some free time into my schedule. Which seems to be the antithesis of free time, to have to schedule it, but I think he’s right because in my life “free time” is not a concept that just happens organically. I almost had some, when grad school ended, but I somehow thought that would be a FANTASTIC time to start a blog. So. For the record, I blame you.
Anyway, I’ve been doing some soul-searching while I was sick – I know, I know, it’s sooooo done, right? Soul-searching in January, turning over a new life, like I’m the first person to have a freaking new year’s resolution?—but still, I’m doing it. Something’s gotta give.
So my husband’s idea—and this is pretty radical, I know, especially if you know me? He might have gotten killed for even suggesting this, depending on my mood—his idea is that maybe I try to turn off the computer once in awhile. As in, at the end of, um, the work day. Like ordinary people do. See, I telecommute 3 of my 5 work days, and when you telecommute, there are days (for me at least) where you sit down at 7am and you don’t remember to eat until 2pm when you realize you have to pee. And then you pee and eat really quick, and then it’s back to it. And when I’m at the office I HAVE to leave by 4:30 at the VERY LATEST to HOPEFULLY make it in time to pick up my kid before his school closes and they call DCFS on me (And, incidentally, charge me $5 PER MINUTE I am overdue. As they should, I mean, you should not be late to pick up your kid, but yowch. Not that it’s happened to me, but I know others. You know, BAD MOMS who are late to pick up their kids. As I NEVER would be. Those bitches). So there’s an end to my workday on those days. But telecommuting days? I work right up til 5:15, then rush to pick up my kid (only a 5 minute walk) and then we come back home and if I’m busy, I just go right back on the damn computer. It’s crazy and stupid and not the idea of motherhood I want to conform to.
So clearly, something needed to change.
So I tried turning off the computer last Monday. 5pm, and *click*.
Off.
And I had a very nice evening. I picked up my kid and wasn’t even close to being late, so I let him play on the playground for five minutes (it’s cold, so that’s all he got), and then we had a nice leisurely walk home, I got dinner on the table in plenty of time because I wasn’t multitasking trying to check e-mail while boiling pasta, and we ate a nice meal, he went to bed on time, and after I put him to bed—when I usually go straight to the computer—I READ A BOOK. No shit.
But then on Tuesday I got sick, and then by Wednesday I was feeling like Death so I went to the doctor and I had, oh, a sinus infection AND strep, and it was so bad that I MISSED going to a business trip in beautiful LaJolla, California, where it was 60 degrees and sunny while here in Chicago it was, um, FIVE. I did not get to play tennis, or have amusing conversations with board members, or drink really good wine and eat really fabulous meals and sleep in a fancy bed at a resort with no Human Alarm Clock in the other room and no Human Noise Machine snoring next to me. Ohhhh, no. I got to stay home where it is DID I MENTION five degrees, and sniffle and do the neti pot over and over and take antibiotics and mucinex and a prescription decongestant and on top of all that, still have to be Nice Mommy in the evenings and all day Saturday while my husband worked extra hours.
So I think maybe the universe is telling me, I can be on the computer whenever I want to, dammit.
Except, now, I realize, just from the niceness of that one evening, that I really liked not being all crazed. I liked "shutting down." I still snuck peeks at e-mail on my phone (heh, heh...I was seriously in the bathroom with my phone getting a quick fix. E-mail is my meth.) But that's kind of okay, because when I check e-mail on my phone, I'm less likely to respond RIGHT THAT SECOND unless it's an urgent work thing. And I'm also not capable of ALSO checking Facebook, Twitter, and any number of parenting boards I pop into when I'm bored. When I check e-mail on the computer, I might do "the rounds" of those other sites--and seriously, if I'm selling something on ebay and there are 4 days left, do I really need to know how many people are "watching" my auction? I'm telling you, it's a SICKNESS--whereas on the phone it's 30 seconds, 'm in, I'm out, done.
So that's something I'm going to allow myself. But I'm going to try to stick with the computer part. Except it's Sunday and I'm sitting here writing this. D'oh. Fail.
But that's ok, because it's like therapy. Next session, we will talk about my crazy OCD tendencies.
So let's just pretend I paid you $90 for this, shall we?
